By

William Gilleece

Text of Reflection:  
March 8, 2008

         I cannot say that I’ve had external enemies who were trying to ”bring me down” yet I have faced many enemies from within. For the majority of my life I “ran” my life by my decisions. Decisions based on what I perceived as needs. Needs that I knew I must have in life to get by and to be happy. My actions and decisions in my life were always based on a self-centered fear that these needs would not be met. My spiritual life (and yes I attended church and was a catechist) was always centered on asking for God’s help in how to achieve/acquire these “needs”. One might be able to figure out – that which I prayed for rarely ever occurred and as I grew older I became more fearful. I reached a point in life where this fear became debilitating and I used to find other very short-term methods of overcoming fear. Yet the fear would always return. Through the years the fears and effects of the solutions I chose were sinking me lower and lower until as was at risk for losing everything of meaning in my life.

         Around this time I received a phone call from my mother in the south that my brother was quite ill and dying. John was a professional with a wife and daughter and everything to live for yet he was fighting a genetically inherited disease, which is rampant in my family, and I also shared. This was when I surrendered.

           The effects of living a life like I had been choosing were there in front of me. A life run by self will, will driven by fear and the belief I could do anything and needed no one. I was defeated and did not know where to turn.  I prayed, and prayed very differently. I spoke to God and Said simply “please help me”.

           Years later I am part of a life of which I take no credit in its design. A life, which is full beyond anything, I ever imagined for myself. A life filled with a beautiful family, home and career. I try to start each day by asking God how I can serve, to please guide me through this day, and by thanking Him for the day ahead. Everyday he places people in my life for me to serve. However – I still can be too into myself and miss an opportunity to be helpful.